Look At Horoscopes For The Fisherman/Boater
I don’t know how many readers of an outdoors column also read the daily horoscopes. Personally, I get a kick out of glancing through them, even though I don’t think it really makes all that much difference what your actual sign is as to the advice or predictions you’ll find. Just about all are filled with feel-good stuff about coming success in finance or love, with the occasional bit of sure-fire advice sprinkled in, such as, “Today would be a very good day to pay utility bills”. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get more realistic and specific advice for those of us whose lives revolve around fishing and boating.
To that end, I have contacted the Oracle of Oyster Creek for his predictions to start this season of high fuel costs, windy weather, and short snapper rations. If ever we needed more guidance, this would be the time. Distaining star charts and other second hand astrological information, the Oracle prefers to sit on his dock with a bottle of cheap wine and study the reflections of the stars on the surface of the creek for extended periods of time. Because the quality of his observations may be affected by boat traffic, schools of surfacing mullet, or runoff from rainstorms upstream, the author cannot accept responsibility for their accuracy – but I will vouch for their sincerity.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) A distressing year for sailboters. On an outing with your single sailor’s club, you will fall deeply and completely in love. When you introduce your fiancé to your parents, they will try to share in your joy, even though it means giving up the chance to have grandchildren. You may be offered a job with the government , possibly in fisheries management.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You have a passion for fast boats and faster women, but court-ordered payments to the latter prevent ownership of the former. The stars favor joining a single sailor’s club.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21) You will discover and join a new religious order, the Frisbeeterians. These fine folks worship Frisbees, and believe that when you die, your soul goes on top of the boatshed, and you can’t get it down!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22) The bank will repo your fishing boat, leaving you hanging around Karaoke bars singing “The boat that I row” by Neil Diamond. You shouldn’t take it too badly, however, as there is an excellent chance you will die this year, anyway.
Leo (July 23 – August 23) A good year to pay overdue marina repair bills, do bottom jobs, and finally hook up that automatic bilge pump. Your wife will leave you, but you will meet many interesting new people, – lawyers, judges and other officers of the court, mostly.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) Congratulations! The stars say you will win the lottery this year. Unfortunately, after the state withholds student loans, delinquent traffic tickets, and back child support, you will only receive $27.37. The bill for the fuel filters you bought last week will be $27.38.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You discover your new romantic interest is not the “strong silent type” or “shy and demure”, he/she/it is really just stupid. Afternoons are a good time to watch soap opera reruns. The marina will raise slip fees $25 a month.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) The greatest summer of fishing offshore anyone can remember will begin on June 7 and taper off on August 25. The engine parts you have had on backorder for the boat since April will arrive on August 26. Your in-laws arrive to visit on August 27.
Sagittarius ( Nov 22 – Dec 21) You will be offered a 46 Bertram in excellent condition for $25,000! Your total net worth, including savings, investments, credit line and return deposit on empty beer kegs is $300.00, and there is a waiting period to purchase a handgun.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Your affair with the marina owner’s daughter sours when her husband finds out. This would be a good year to travel. Avoid incurring long-term debt in your real name.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You were born under the sign of water. Because you forgot to tighten the shaft packing glands and/or plug in the battery charger, your boat is now underwater, too. Now might be the time to take up a new hobby, such as scuba diving.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) The sign of the fish points to good health this year. Too bad you aren’t a fish. Exercise is favored, but 12 ounce wrist curls hardly count. Examine insurance policies to be sure you carry enough to pay off the boat for your widow and her new boyfriend.
If you would like more of the Oracle’s advice to help plan your day-to-day existence, he can be found most any night on his dock at the end of Marine Way Street, in Turtle Cove on Oyster Creek. If it is too much trouble to contact him personally – for him, not for you – just print out this column, cut the monthly predictions out sans month and date, and draw one out of a hat each month. You DO have a hat, don’t you?